Inside My World

Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime of pain and heartaches of my own doing, I am back home. Home to my Father and first love, to Him who only has for me His stubborn love.

As the prodigal daughter that I always am, I often wandered and ran away. My stubbornness always get the better of me, and I’d end up bruised and beaten in the end.

But God is more stubborn than I am, I am bound to concede. His STUBBORN LOVE refused to give up on me. I don’t know how He does it. I can only marvel at His marvelous ways as I now ponder about it…

GOD IS SO FAITHFUL! He truly is. With all the pain I have caused Him, He remained the same. I am humbled knowing that as insignificant as I am in the grander scheme of things, HE LOVES ME with a love so true, so unconditional, so stubborn…

Ouch!

Ang sakit. Mabigat sa dibdib. Hay, ganito pala talaga pag may dinaramdam ka…

Dapat may mapagsabihan ako. Kundi, sasabog ako na parang volcano… Teka, nasabi ko na ba sa ‘yo?

Ay, wag na lang ata. Nakakahiya! Sarilinin ko na lang kaya? Wow, di ko ata kaya…

Basta I know time will tell. Hayaan na lang muna na ang panahon ang maghilom. Mawawala rin ‘to, alam ko.

Sa ngayon, relax-relax muna. Wag pairalin ang pride at sama ng loob. Pasasaan pa’t matatapos din ang lahat…

Sana…

Saan patutungo ang buhay kong ito?

Hay nakakaloka ang mga sinasapit ko!

Kelangan ko ng tulong, ito ang aking tanong…

Saan ako pupunta kung ang daan ay nawawala?

Meron ka bang compass o mapa kaya?

Naku patay tayo diyan, sa direksiyon ako talaga’y mahina

East and west, north and south, I don’t know what it’s all about

“Help!,” ang aking sigaw, ako talaga’y naliligaw…

Bakit ba naman kasi ako di marunong magsisi?

Tumatakbo ng matulin, naku saan na ba ire?

Sino bang tinatakbuhan ko ni hindi ko alam kung sino

Hay Diyos ko po! Naloloka na talaga ako!

Pero ang totoo niyan, alam ko naman talaga ang daan

Siguro nga ako lang ay nagbubulag-bulagan

Tanggalin ang muta sa aking mga mata

Ay ang saya pala kung ika’y nakakakita!

Sana nga one day, isang araw mahanap ko na

Tunay na daan na maganda at mapayapa

Ngunit kung hindi pa makita ako’y magtitis muna

Pero sana wag lang abutin na ako’y tumanda na… BOW!

You’re floating amidst the clouds and feeling high one moment and then…BAM! You get knocked up and then suddenly stars surround your dizzy head. How you got blinded you didn’t know, but you knew you loved the feeling at first…

…And then after realization dawned on you, you feel sick, the bitter taste of tears welling up your eyes and soaking your pillow, till you’re left drained of your strength and you drift off to the most unrestful sleep you ever had…

The morning brings a new sunshine for some but in your heart you feel only storm clouds forming, casting gloomy shadows upon your weary soul. And you don’t know when you’ll start to feel better again…time becomes your ally for now, till you don’t recall a thing anymore about the pain, the tears, the heartache…

Blinded. That’s how you were. But for now, the scales covering your eyes have fallen off, and it’s now up to you to pick up the shattered pieces of you and start rebuilding…start dreaming…

And when the time comes you’re likely to get blinded again. That’s how the world works. It’s a cycle, a neverending one. But you can break the chain. Yes you can! I know you can…

1. I have a lot of aliases. My friends call me Mace or Cel, but my family and close relatives call me Shirley.

2. I love to SING! I’m a videoke addict! Wag na wag mo pahawak sa ‘kin ang mikropono PLEASE sobrang allergic ako dyan hahaha! (Actually, secret natin ‘to ha, nanalo ako dati sa singing contest
3. I am FICKLE-minded. Yes, este no pala.

4. I’m a certified HOMEBODY. Wala nga ako night life eh. Pero may social life din naman ako… Di ako autistic!

5. I’m a CLEANAHOLIC. Siguro sa past life ko atsay ako. O kaya janitress…

6. I am very SECRETIVE. I have tons of skeletons in my closet… (Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” playing at the background). My journal is my best friend; very safe sa kanya ang mga secrets ko hehe.

7. I tend to get CRAZY when I’m in love. As in “windang” ako at nagpapakagaga kapag na-inlove.”People do crazy things when they’re in love…” (Sigh!)

8. I can be a MONSTER when I’m angry. Sabi ng kapatid at pamangkin ko masungit daw ako… Maririnig mo na lang na kakalabog ang pinto o  pinggan (mga paborito kong pagdiskitahan hehe) pag galit ako. But sometimes, I tend to just clam up and keep silent.

9. I am blood type “B”. (Just in case…)

10. I have skin ASTHMA. Lagi ako may baon na antihistamine in my bag.

11. I have OILY skin. Kaya tuloy acne-prone ang beauty ko…
12. I DON’T have a green thumb. Lahat na lang ng tinatanim kong halaman namamatay huhuhu! 
13. One of my dreams is to travel to at least 10 COUNTRIES before I die. Hay ang tanda ko na di ko pa nauumpisahan baka kulangin na ko ng oras…
14. I have a SWEET tooth. Utang na loob wag mo ko bigyan ng tsokolate at ice cream ayoko magka-diabetes someday…

15. I want to do BALLROOM dancing. Kaya lang wala kasi ako pambayad ng DI at lalo wala akong mga ka-outfitan kaya pag-iipunan ko muna.

16. I find it easier to communicate through WRITING. I nosebleed lalo na ‘pag straight English ang usapan hahaha!
17. I have low EQ. Aminado ako madali ako mafrustrate. Pag problemado ang lola nyo, punong-puno ng tigidig ang kanyang fes.

18. I don’t go to sleep without applying lip balm. Yes, instead of moisturizer, lip balm ang ina-apply ko! Malay mo, biglang umappear sa panaginip ko si Prince Charming di ba, kaya kelangan soft and supple ang lips…hehehe.

19. I don’t leave the house without these three in my bag- sunblock, umbrella and cell phone. Kelangan pa bang i-memorize yan?!

20. Fashion is my passion- in my dreams!!! Hahaha! Gusto ko din mag-aral ng COSMETOLOGY para matuto naman ako mag-make-up ng sarili ko.

21. I easily CRY over small things. Soapy dramas make me cry. “Babe” and “While You Were Sleeping” never fail to make me cry even if I’ve seen these films a couple of times na.

22. I am a bit on the STINGY side- now. But I used to be an impulsive buyer then, pero sa hirap ng buhay ngayon dapat muna mag-esep-esep bago bumunot sa wallet…
23. I have a strong INTUITION. Promise! Minsan nga iniisip kong gawing sideline ito eh hahaha! (Beware Madame Auring!)

24. I LOVE my family. Doesn’t everyone of us do?

25. I want to fulfill my dreams the soonest possible time but then again I try to live one day at a time… I want to be the best I can be. I know I am capable of something more than what and who I am now… I want to go out of my comfort zone- try to experience new things, explore the outdoors, meet new friends, travel and experience different cultures… One day I believe my dreams for myself will become a reality… And then someday, I want to be remembered as someone who has made a difference in this world when I finally take my exit. I know marami pa kelangan ayusin sa buhay ko pero  sana nga  magawa ko ‘to…

I feel sooo lazy lately… I know I have a whole lot to accomplish- my planner is actually teeming with “things-to-do” and “must-dos” and whatnot, but unfortunately, my mind just wanted to hibernate lately! It’s even harder to get my fat calloused ass off my seat and do something productive! It’s kinda tiring really when you’re not doing anything at all but what can I do? I want to do something but I just can’t seem to and I’m flustered and frustrated by the irony of it!

What am I supposed to do?..

I may just as well sleep away these thoughts for a while. Sa palagay ko puyat lang to. Hahaha!

I just turned 30 something today. How time really flies! Parang kailan lang napakasimple at naive ng buhay, ngayon eto’t nagbibilang na ng kandilang hinihipan sa cake. Sandali,.. may cake ba ko today? Ah oo, meron pala akong (roll) cake pero bigay lang ng kakilala. (Ang totoo nyan pinilit ko lang sya na regaluhan ako hahaha!). Yun nga lang wala syang kandila…

Now that I turned another year older (and I must admit not necessarily wiser! You know what I’m talking about John… You know who you are!), I did something out of the ordinary, something so out of my comfort zone, so to speak. Something bold and daring, like… I HAD MY NAILS PAINTED BLOODY RED?!!!

Yes, you read it right dahlings! Feeling ko isa akong diva(-divahan) sa bago kong nail polish hahaha ! Sabi ng friend ko late bloomer daw ako pero I don’t care. There’s something about the color that unleashed my inhibitions and freed my inner sultry self, even just for this day. And I liked the feeling! I really liked it!

Next time ano kaya magandang kulay na i-try ko? Any suggestions?..

Pssstt… may bago ako…

Hindi sya tao, di rin hayop. Pero sa palagay ko mahal ko na sya…

Sa una pa lang naming pagkikita, nahulog na agad ang loob ko sa kanya. Nasa kanya na lahat ang mga katangiang hinahanap ko sa matagal nang panahon…Kailangan ko sya. As in. At pagkakataong ito na natagpuan ko na sya ayoko na syang pakawalan pa.

Sawa na rin kasi ako sa kakaantay. May mga mangilan-ngilang dumaan na iba pero siguro di pa napapanahon kung kaya’t walang nangyari. Ngunit ngayon, kailangan ko na syang maangkin. Sya na nga! Sya ang kailangan ko!

Ngunit sa ibang banda, sa aming pagsasama’y napag-isip ako. Oo nga’t mahal ko sya pero di mapagkakailang mahal din sya… Kaya ko kaya ito? Pakiramdam ko’y nakatali na talaga ako sa mga responsibilidad ko sa kanya…

Pero ok na rin siguro ‘to. Doble kayod at konting sipag at tiyaga pa’t di rin magtatagal aking-akin na talaga ang matagal ko nang pinapangarap…

Sya ang bagong inspirasyon ko ngayon… Kilala mo ba sya?

There it goes again… I can feel it shaking my whole being, and rocking my world to the core. I’ve felt this way a hundred times before but today is nothing like the rest. Today’s different, way too different…

Ah…where do I start describing this sensation?… I want to indulge and give in  to it but I’m afraid it just might be too painful. Will the pain be worth it? Will I be satisfied in the end? It’s just too much to ignore.  I guess I have to give it a try or I’d end up feeling sorry for myself for not trying…

I can feel my heart pounding so fast and so loud. My whole body’s diaphoretic Im bathing in my own sweat! My knees have weakened like a candle slowly burning. I gotta hold on, I gotta grip on something for support. Oh, let this pass…or I will pass out myself.

Whew!

After 3 long, agonizing days of feeling bloated and heavy, it’s such a great relief to finally let it all out! And I mean all of it! Out into the bowl and into who-knows-where it goes to after that, I really don’t care anymore. All I care about right now is this feeling of “high” I got after this ordeal.

Oh, how I feel so alive. Halleluiah!