Inside My World

Hay buhay! Parang life… Dami struggles, dami pa utang!

Yup! Dami ko utang! Actually, ang totoo nyan baon ako sa utang! (At proud pa ang lola nyo!) Nyah!

Cash in, cash out sa iba. Ako puro cash out, walang in! Pagbabayad na lang lagi ng utang ang nakasanayang pastime ko! Mukha daw naman akong Bumbay pero purong Pinoy ako ha? For the first time nainggit tuloy ako sa lahi nila. Sana ako din tulad nila, naniningil lang ng pautang and not the other way around…

Ganda siguro ng feeling ng medyo makapal-kapal ang wallet ‘no? Bonggang-bongga ang life pag ganun. Hay sarap mangarap! Dream on, Mace!

Pero kahit isang kahig, isang tuka ang lola nyo, nakakasurvive naman ang beauty ko kahit papano. Ang mahalaga daw, dapat laging masaya at nakangiti lagi para wagi. Ang wrinkles, wag kalimutan…

Kaya nga nag-Friendster ako kasi alam ko andyan ka. Mayaman ka di ba?

Pautang naman!

Is there a way one can hide the pain he is feeling?

Is there an end to the tears one sheds? Will one’s tear ducts ever run dry?

Will the heart forgive and forget?

Will the sadness  ever end?

Will the rain ever stop? Will the sun shine brightly again?…

Time heals all wounds, so they say.

I hope it will. I really hope so…

Pano ba di sumablay sa buhay? Ewan ko ba, lagi na lang ako tumatagilid at sumasablay…tuloy ang ‘l—life’ ko walang kabuhay-buhay! Ahahay!

Sabi nila may IQ naman ako. May konting utak din naman siguro ako sa loob ng matigas na bungo kong ‘to kasi pag nauuntog ako di naman puro hangin ang naririnig ko…

Ah alam ko na! Sa EQ kaya ako kulang? Siguro nga sobrang baba ng EQ ko kaya di ako natututo. Maya’t-maya nauuntog sa sobrang katangahan pero di pa rin magawang matuto sa mga pagkakamali ko. Mababago pa kaya ako nito?!

Masakit aminin pero yun nga ang totoo. Matigas ang ulo ko at di ko alam kung pano ito mahihinto. Iuntog ko na lang kaya sa pader ang sobrang tigas na ulo kong ‘to? Masakit kaya mabukulan?  Sa palagay mo, ano ang magandang gawin ko?

The storm has passed. The sun shone brightly again. But then instead of rainbows, all I see are storm clouds, yet again, looming over the horizon.

Ah, life! It truly is a series of ups and downs like a dizzying roller coaster ride. One moment you feel like the king ( or queen) of the world, the next moment you fall flat on your face eating nothing but dust.

We can never have everything we desire or wish for in life. Sometimes we tend to question WHY things happen, but they actually do happen whether we like it or not, whether we understand the reason or not.

But yes, things do happen for a reason! Omniscient as God is, He knows exactly what to do. We don’t have to teach Him how to; we just have to let Him be, however painful and hurting the process is. In the end, if we let our hearts listen intently to what He wants to tell us will we then fully understand WHY He allows things- good or bad- to happen in the first place.

An old chapter has closed, a new one is about to begin. I am hoping for the best. I am expecting greater things to come.

I can rant and rant and rant some more about my life. But that won’t set things straight.

On the contrary, I know what I should do. Worrying won’t get me nowhere. There are so many things still to be grateful for, and now I decide- yet again- not to let my burdens crush my spirit anymore…

Troubles either make or break you, so they say. And I want them to make me  a better person.  Giving up is the easy way out. Emerging a victor in any difficulty is not an easy feat, but that is what i desire to be when this is through.

Life is a series of ups and downs. What we do with it determines who we are and what will become of us.

And so I declare war to these negative thoughts racing through my mind. I decide to live life to its fullest. I surrender my cares to Him who promised to be faithful to the end…

Tomorrow will bring a brand new day…

Will somebody please wake me up?!

Is this just a nightmare I am going through, a fiction perhaps, or a product of my wild imagination?

I wanna be free- free from all these worries and burdens. I want peace of mind; I want solace from the chaos torturing my very soul…

But how?!

Oh, please wake me up!

Life is so hard as it is nowadays… But personal struggles burden the mind and body, even the spirit, more than the toils of everyday life. It’s like going through the eye of a needle… But then actually I’m hard up for words to describe fully my personal journey right now…

How does one get out of a rut he himself has created? How does he start?

When should one acknowledge that he needs help and goes to find it where?  Who does he turn to?

Will prayer alone suffice or does he need to do something? But what does he need to do and how?

Ahhh… I’m going nuts!

I know that there are no hard-and-fast rules in life, no strictly binding and unalterable guidelines to help us get by.

Life is not meant to be endured but to be enjoyed and savored. But by our own doing we often end up living in a rut and dreading life itself…as I do now.

But that should not be. I know life has more to offer than pain and sadness and struggles and tears…

I’m finding my way. In a little while I’m hoping I’ll find my way out.

I wonder if I’m just like the rest…

Sometimes I’d be so consumed thinking if I’m "normal" relative to the rest of the Homo sapiens race…

I definitely am not an ALIEN! That I’m really, really sure of!

But sometimes- I really mean, most of the time, lately- I’m beginning to think I just might be really different from the rest- queer, eccentric, however you may call it. Am I really different? Or am I just one of the rest of us?

Ok, I know I’m beginning to sound too quirky here, vague even. But when your mind is preoccupied with nothing as I do now (in other words, "TAMBAY"), it becomes the time when your brain becomes erumpent with a gamut of things you can’t think clearly at all! You know what I mean?

Ahh, LIFE!… I’ve had too much realizations about it I don’t think I can handle anything more. At the moment at least.

I need to breathe. I need to take a break. Or should I say, I REALLY NEED A BREAK!

Wouldn’t it be tempting to not think at all sometimes?

I wonder how it would be like…

…I’m sorry I keep hurting You.

I’m sorry I tend to run away from You when things run smoothly. But like a bruised child who runs for comfort in Your loving arms You never fail to welcome back this prodigal daughter of Yours when I turn to You in my times of need.

As a parent is hurting when a wayward child goes about his rebellious ways, I know You hurt even more for me because You have loved me with an unconditional love even before i came to be inside my mother’s womb…

You are indeed so faithful! And I am truly sorry…

Oftentimes I easily get disappointed when things don’t work out the way I want them to. I grumble and complain about even the smallest of things. I whine a lot, and I get into a sullen mood whenever I don’t get what I want…

Man by nature, they say, is insatiable. We continue to crave for more…and more…and so much more… And I must admit that I am one of these unfortunately disgruntled people who just can’t get enough of anything and everything!

Discontentment sucks the marrow  out of us such that we turn into half-dead zombies- devoid of feelings, calloused, unhappy, and without a proper perspective and acknowledgement of the beautiful things in life to be thankful for, cherished and left to be discovered.

When I ponder and really think about it, I can’t help but assent to the fact that as we complete our journey as mere pilgrims in this world, there will always be times of plenitude and times of want. The question now is, how do we respond to these times, especially so with the latter? Are we to grit our teeth and stay dissatisfied? Or do we continue to hope and be grateful of even the littlest of blessings that come our way?

Today, I count my blessings- all of them- one by one. God is faithful indeed! And I am thankful that even if things are scarce and the times hard, "my God will meet all (my) needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19)"

"…for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and in every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."  (PHILIPPIANS 4: 11-13)